I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
