i need an iv and a liver transplant
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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