In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
