he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
