I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
