It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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