Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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