I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
