you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
