I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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