Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
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He's a Shit stain on my heart
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
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I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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