Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
