So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
