Soap is not a condiment
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
