life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
