While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
