What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I party with great urgency now.
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