According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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