i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I wear drunk well.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
