and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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