The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
