You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
