In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
