Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
