My friends, they love my intelligence
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
