I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
