I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
