i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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