At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
