i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
