I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
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He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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