i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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