haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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