i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
