just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
