My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
