Will you blow on my dice?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
