He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
