Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
