Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
