Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
