she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
