when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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