11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
