I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
