you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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