dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm drive I can fine osifer
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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