the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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