i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
