i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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