I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
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The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
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You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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