checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
