She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
