God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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