I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
