I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
