Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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