omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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